Discussion guide – centres

To some mysterious extent, each of us grows into our potential. We may never know how much our choices shape us and how our choices are shaped by our DNA, but we are each miraculously ourselves, from the moment life begins (and who on earth knows when that is!). We grow from the inside out, and that is helpful to remember when helping children do the growing!

We now believe that nature and nurture work together, rather than in an either/or relationship. It’s hard to untangle the effects of our genetic makeup from the environment we find ourselves in, but it may be more useful to think of every person as having a core that they grow outward from, either to defend or express. Does your core exist in a heavily defended place? Or are you fairly transparent and “knowable” to both yourself and to others?
If you didn’t feel comfortable answering that last question, then probably that discomfort answered it! Moving away from talking about your centre, where would you start to find discussion easier to engage in? In other words, how thick are your walls? You can answer this in any way that you like! Or not at all!!
Can you think of how the thickness of your walls is extremely adaptive for you in protecting what is likely the most precious part of you? In other words, those of us with thicker walls are perhaps reacting responsibly to the experience of living in a harsh world. Can you reflect quietly on how your defences have kept you safe and how large an accomplishment that really is? Like, wow.
Sometimes those of us who feel the most transparent and easily invaded have the trickiest defence system of all. We may have hidden our own centre from ourselves and are engaging in some magical illusions to deflect attention from our core. Again, good job you! The world is a dangerous place, and our centres deserve the defences we build. Take a moment to thank your self for keeping your self safe.

Recognizing the layered nature of our own selves is key to creating safe relationships with others. We need boundaries to be respected, and also we need time and space to create, maintain, and reshape our own boundaries in a constantly changing world. Are there people in your life who you know for sure will respect your space, and be gentle with any offerings of honest expression you provide?

When you find people who are safe, by which I mean that they believe you have a centre that belongs to you, and not to them, then hang on to those people! But in a safe way that respects their centre!
When you are with people who do not seem to recognize that you are separate and distinct from them, and who want you to share their views, their opinions, their interests, and their resources (or maybe just your resources), feel free to retreat back into your centre core safe place, and thank your defences for their work! These people are not currently able to be safe for you, so your safety depends on your own maintenance of boundaries.
In thinking about these two situations, can you imagine how children may be working hard at trying to locate and find ways to defend their own centres, perhaps with excessive force, but for very good reasons?
How can we as larger, more powerful, smarter, and more experienced humans help children to find and defend what makes them them? Can we make sure that we are people who help them to both be and feel safe?
Are there specific actions we can take in our day to day lives that will give others a sense of safety around us?

In helping diverse children develop, it may be helpful to recognize that transparency and total honesty is not always adaptive for all children. While we find it charming and refreshing, it is often a sign of undeveloped and naive trust sensors in the child. That is, they may believe that the world will not harm them if they show it/us their true selves. Unfortunately, this is not usually the case. How can we avoid exploiting this characteristic of childhood, or conversely, penalizing those children who have had to create defences much sooner than we expected?

Children who are “childlike,” that is, trusting, open, honest, and straightforward, are very appealing to world-weary adults. Can you remember when you were like this? Can you remember building your “armour?”
The very appeal of childhood is its vulnerability. We tend to therefore provide positive reinforcements to children who approach this ideal, and to negatively reinforce those who are guarded, hostile, untrusting, or deceptive. Can you think of any time that you have been upset with a child in your care for using a defensive posture with you?
If you can, think of the situation, but reverse your perspective. Pretend to be the child, looking up, at you, the adult. What about the situation may have triggered a need for self-protection?
If the child was less than graceful with this protective stance, was it at least effective? Did the child preserve some dignity, some choice, or some reserve of information?
Can you see how hard-won that protection was? What was the cost for the child? Why do you think the child thought this tradeoff worth the cost?
Are there ways that we can help children with the difficult task of preserving their tender inner core, while still relating with the world around them in a reasonably polite and somewhat honest way? Can we be honest about how that “line” can move?
The children who are the most “difficult” to deal with likely have had to put a lot of work (and continue to put a lot of work) into their defences. They would not do this if it wasn’t warranted in some part of their lives. Can we honour the tenacity they are showing and show them we are safe by respecting boundaries and offering gentle modelling of appropriate vulnerability?